Memoirs of Sofima

Finally Falling into Places

2011-06-24T17:17:00.002+08:00

Been busy lately so I haven't really been in this part of the cyberworld with the exception FACEBOOK and Youtube of course. I recently have activated my Facebook and I don't know what sort of evil genius Mark Zuckerberg is, but I feel so relieved to have done that. When I deactivated my Facebook, I felt shunned from the world, I was lonely not being able to see what was happening.

Now finally after being shed some light by Facebook, I managed to see a number of my friends having jumped into the marriage wagon and some even becoming parents. On that note, my jump is also just around the corner. This December 2011, my family and I, around 14 of us are flying to Sri Lanka to visit Azeem's family. I hope and pray that the trip will be an unforgettable (in a good way of course) one. I am sure that my friends and especially Azeem and his family there will see to that :)

Amin

Make Up Misconception in Malaysia

2011-05-07T11:16:00.003+08:00

Currently at: Cameron Highlands, Pahang, Malaysia
Time: 11.17am
Mood: Neutral but a little confused

I am now at Cameron Highlands, a scenic hillstation situated at Central Peninsular of Malaysia. It is a breathtaking place unlike any other places in Malaysia for many reasons.

Firstly, the weather here is pleasant something like the summers or spring perhaps in the UKs. Secondly, the fruits and vegetables- they plant here fruits and veggies which you don't even associate with Malaysia like apples, grapes and etc. I mean, when one says Malaysia the first thing that comes to mind when you mention fruits is-let's face it, durian. Not that that's a thing to be ashamed of. Durian is awfully good!

I am here on a workshop organised by my office and I can't wait for this to end. Curses to snatch away my weekend! Anyway, just now during morning tea-break, I was seated at table with a few colleagues and as usual (and typically) some Malay guys were talking about a Chinese girl. But mind you, she is cute. As they were mentioning about her, the talk went to an older lady who accompanied her. I do know these people as I have worked with them previously and the older lady doesn't look as old as she actually is. So I told them this. Later, another lady colleague of mine retorted, "It's make up. Make up". The men denied this disapprovingly saying, "No, she is a natural beauty."

As usual this made me think. I do not approve of this typical mentality that if you wear make up meaning you have something to hide. In order to look good in make up, you need to be actually naturally good-looking. You need good skin as a good canvas helps make up to enhance you natural beauty. Trust me I know. I am an advocate of wearing make up and looking presentable and I WILL NEVER agree that wearing make up means you are actually ugly au naturale. Seriously, pisses me off. Have an open mind people! You say you want to be a high-income nation and developed nation and whatnots but the core aspect, which is your mentality is still ZERO!

For example, sorry to say but all of you look down on dark-skinned people whereas in developed countries like UKs, Australia and US and Japan in fact, they embrace people regardless of race, colour and creed. You should realise how is it out there. The only famous Malaysian is Tun Mahathir and why is that? It is because he is a person with such forward mind like none of us and I try to emulate him. I am not surprised because if you think negatively of something as simple as wearing make up, then I rest my case.

Alright then, I am terribly sorry for the rant but what else do you use a blog for? I am just sick and tired of this typical environment. Seriously thinking of running away to a place where I am accepted.

Only Allah knows and I pray He guides me.
AMIN.

"Please do not judge beauty by your racial standards, you might not even cut it in the outside world"

Deteriorating Well-Wishers

2011-04-29T10:06:00.004+08:00

This morning during breakfast with a colleague of mine, we were intensely discussing about joys of pregnancy (She was heavily pregnant).

Then, being the girl I am, I gushed that I myself can't wait to get a child of my own one day. I don't know what is it about positive thoughts they just won't show up that easily in people. Not all but generally speaking.

Instead of wishing me "You will" or "Just pray hard", she just goes, "Well let's hope you don't have fertility problems".

I was quite flabbergasted (just to lay thickly on the hyperbole). Anyway, I was speechless. I didn't know what to respond to that statement. It seemed so insensitive but at the same time scary and realistic. God forbids, neither Azeem nor I have this dreaded problem.

However, I know that having a child or bearing one is God's gift and I do pray ceaselessly I don't have any troubles.

So pray, be healthy and happy. Things will be alright.

Amin...

Family, Love, Marriage, Work and All That

2011-04-18T15:33:00.002+08:00

It's been ages since I last saw Azeem and also since I blogged. But even longer the former. I do miss him to death, God knows. I have no intentions in pouring out my feelings and emotions into this free cyber space and end up being plain cheesy so I am going to stop here. First and foremost, I have gaines A YEAR experience as a Administrative and Diplomatic Officer at Prime Minister's Department. I am unsure as to how this will look in my resume but I hope it will be impressive as I am not going to be in government for long. Somehow I am beginning to miss law and before my law knowledge and non-existent legal skills vanish completely from my brains, I need to do something about it! Pronto! On that somewhat happy (happy?) note, I am really pleased to list here the many things that I am looking forward to come this 2011 and 2012. My new house is going up really wonderfully and it is estimated to be complete by end of January 2012. Just right before my planned wedding. Azeem is finally a working man. He is an accountant at one of the well-known companies in Qatar called Al-Fardan. (He is going to kill me for spilling this. The all-secretive, full of surprises Azeem) But then, he has been working for the past one month. Alhamdulillah, salary is good but mind you, things in Qatar are expensive, explaining the high salaries. High salary or not, it all boils down to the fact that he is happy, that's all that matters. Since I am blogging this in the expense of my office hours, I need to go now. Sorry for the abrupt exit! Pray for me, pray for each other. Ameen.

Alright!

2011-02-16T20:50:00.002+08:00

Finally!
Finally it is happening...
Events will unfold harmoniously after this.
Amin...
:)

One after another

2011-01-27T15:07:00.005+08:00

My uncle, a good man, a better husband and the best father. I know, I have witnessed the way he loved his children.
It was a calm and serene Sunday, last Sunday. 23rd January 2011.
Calm and serene because the weather was wonderful, the sun wasn't scorching, the air mild and the wind soft.
I was lying on my cousin's bed, feverishly trying to finish Khaled Hosseini's A 1000 Splendid Suns but to no avail.
Everyone was home. Everyone.My uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews. Except him, my uncle.
We had just finished praying for my uncle. My good-man, better husband, best father uncle. He has been critically ill for the past few weeks. It was in the year 2000 that the doctors diagnosed him with kidney failure, both at that.
One led to another and then came the year 2011. Admitted into National Heart Institute he began fighting to survive. He never slept well since last December but he finally got his sleep, lying unconsciously on that hospital bed.
I will never forget the sight of tubes, complicated looking machines, liquefied food and him just being unlike himself.
The uncle I knew growing up was such a contrast. Tall, burly and good-looking. He had somewhat a roguish nature about him which was at times intimidating. I remember being afraid of him plenty of times.

Sunday morning stealthily shifted to afternoon and soon the azure sky was dark navy.
I was home with my brothers. Spreading thickly a coat of roasted garlic mayonnaise on a piece of wholemeal bread and placing lettuces and smoked turkey one after another.
My parents, at National Heart Institute.
Around 9pm, they were home. My father had a look on his face. A slight smile and eyes crinkling with happiness. I knew immediately.
"Your Periatta (Eldest Uncle) is conscious, he responded to me," he said.
I wasn't at the dining hall when he spoke about it but soon I would find out and here was how it went.

"I was talking to him the usual way I do everytime I visit him. Most of the time, he would be sedated or unconscious but despite that I still talk to him. Tell him things, hoping in my heart that he is listening. I told him that, "Brother, you are here at IJN (National Heart Institute) being treated here. Don't worry you will be alright, soon all these tubes will be gone and you will be the same person as before. You will walk and talk and tell jokes just like you used to Brother." I stopped, looking and observing his face. His eyes pried open. He looked at me with that glossy eyes and blinked them slowly twice. Then he nodded acknowledging my words. I was so elated I ran out of the ward and called your mother. I must be imagining things, I thought to myself. But I wasn't. Your mother came and it was true, he was responsive to my words. He listened."

I knew my uncle was a fighter. He always was. Everytime the doctors broke to us that he was seriously ill somehow or rather he managed to cheat Death and emerge victorious.
However, little did I or my father knew that, that was the last piece of cherished memory my uncle would give my father.

An hour to midnight, I was lazing on my bed trying to fall asleep. The phone rang. Our heart stopped momentarily. During these times, a simple phone call was always traumatizing, traumatized of the news coming from the other side of the receiver.

"Anne (Brother), father is very ill. Doctor said there is no hope. They are asking all of his kins to be here."

And that was that. I saw my father hurriedly clothing himself and my brothers dashing to the car. My mother and I stayed back. I couldn't sleep later that night.
A knock on the door, my mother was calling. I ran to the door.
With a forlorn expression etched on her face she said, "Your uncle has gone."
I broke down. After almost two months the demise of my grandmother, now my eldest uncle.

As inevitable as death can be, I pray that they are placed amongst the good people. My Ayya, Attama and Periatta. Amin.

Sephora!

2011-01-19T15:37:00.003+08:00

I am going to keep this post short and precise!

SEPHORA IS COMING TO MALAYSIA!

I don't know when but it is estimated to be opened by 2011. The location, right near Starhill Gallery. So finally! I will be able to get my palms on those brands eluding me like Philosophy, NARS and Sephora itself!

Me, oh my! Can hardly wait :)

I hope my 4th is Reading this

2011-01-18T16:45:00.004+08:00

"A good leader may not be humble but at least he should not be boastful. He must be prepared to accept responsibilities but should not be too pushy and insistent on taking the lead. He should not seek to blame others for failures but admit his own culpability. He should not point fingers or seek scapegoats. He should be modest and not seek praise and glory. He should know how to handle his followers as much as his superiors. He must be sensitive to the sensitivities of others. He should be willing to do what he expects others to do. He should uphold the slogan of leadership by example. He should be learned and more intelligent at least by comparison to the people he leads. He must know how to make his ideas become reality. He must be aware of the needs and desire of his people, to evaluate them, to direct them in the proper direction, and to plan and execute together with his follower the objectives successfully. The rise of great nations are invariably due to good leadership. When the leaders are incompetent, the countries would fall. The people may be the same, the background and the wealth and resources may be the same, but the leaders are incompetent or just plain bad, then great nations, even great empires can fall."

-Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohammad, 4th Prime Minister of Malaysia on 14th January 2008

My favourite quote by my favourite leader. I personally like this quote because somehow I can relate it to myself and my personal experience. A good leader never point finger or seek scapegoats.

Suitability- Kafaah in Islamic Marriage

2011-01-17T10:13:00.002+08:00

Firstly, referring to the entry title above I am not to start lecturing about Islamic Family Law.
The title above has alot to do with what happened to me earlier today and I just had to blog about it since I am so worked up with the cause.
I don't want to divulge the entire nitty-gritty but let me just copy and paste the link to articles I found on the Internet regarding the importance of being suitable with your partner.
Though it is not regarded as a pre-condition but it is the right of the woman to be married to a man she can look up to and respect.

i. http://syfadh.blogspot.com/2009/12/kafaah-kufu-nasab-dalam-perkahwinan.html
ii.http://www.al-azim.com/~beringin/bicara/006.htm
iii. http://halaqah.net/v10/index.php?topic=8518.0
iv. http://menaraislam.com/content/view/31/36/

These are all good reads and I recommend to those who are going to tie the knot or looking for someone to spend their entire life with.
Let it also be known that just because you require some qualifications and requirements to be fulfilled by your partner does not mean you are a stuck-up snob who has high standards.
If you are given choice to pick out your clothes, your car, your house and even your leader, then how can you scrimp on someone you are going to spend your entire life with?
You need to be smart in making your choices.
If someone proposes to you and you don't feel the urge to even give him a chance, then don't, because you know, subconsciously, it is not going to work!
The person does not need to be the ultimate perfect man but more essentially someone you can relate to.
Trust me, considering suitability will save you alot of marital problems.

Unintentional_Intentional

2011-01-13T10:52:00.003+08:00

Plenty of times in many circumstances I say things and it might have sounded braggy but I don't mean it. I can't help it sometimes, I just say things which are true and nothing more.
So if you think I am showing off, they are unintentional.
Some people have it, some don't but one thing is for sure, if you work for it you deserve it.
I always take my father as an example.
He started fresh from ground zero and slowly but steadly he climbed up to where he is now.
Due to that all the other privileges just come along with it.
So please don't blame me or backbite me for that is my nature and I can't help it. My father dotes me and he still does.
I thank Allah for that.
p/s: Might seem like I am rambling aimlessly but this entry is meant for you know who you are.

All I Ask For, This 2011

2011-01-10T08:55:00.004+08:00

All I ask for this 2011 are for things to happen. Dreams to come true. Life to be settled. My half to be complete.
That is all I ask for.
Not much, but requires blessings and guidance from You, Almighty One.
Amin...

What Goes Around Comes Around. Period.

2011-01-05T15:55:00.004+08:00

"I am seriously bored," that was the last thought I had when suddenly my phone rang. I frowned slightly thinking it was my former boss since the number was unidentified and picked up the receiver. To my relief it was a man's voice but an unrecognizable one at that. "Hello, is this Miss Sofiah Abdul Hamid?" the voice asked. I wondered at that moment who could this man be and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Yes, this is her.

Man: Are you Mr. Abdul Hamid's daughter? Mr. Abdul Hamid, the Deputy-Director General of Security? (I am still confused as to who this man is)

Me: Urm... yeah.... may I know who I am talking to?

Man: This is H (keeping the man's name undisclosed here) from XXXX Ministry.

So I knew this man, some high-positioned guy at the Ministry and in my head I concluded that he was calling to inquire about some project's status. But then...

Man: I am calling regarding the complaint you made against one of my staffs here.

Complaint? Me?

What - wait, then it dawned on me. That complaint... Oh no.

23rd December 2010, a meeting was to be held at this certain Ministry and as usual since there was no representatives I was ordered by my Director to attend this meeting. As usual the "bidan terjun" and I loathe last minute meetings. It gives you panic attacks especially if the chairman is a person in top management. They will be expecting a higher-ranking officer who can give precise answers and decisions but instead of that, what they get is a timid- freshly appointed officer who's knowledge doesn't even worth a dime. Somewhat hurts their pride and dignity, to put it in hyperbole.

Totally clueless as to what the meeting was about I checked the meeting invitation letter and rang up the secretariat hoping for some info. The phone rang and a voice answered, "Hello".

As chirpily as possible I introduced myself, "Hello, I am Sofiah from Prime Minister's Department. Regarding the meeting today I was wondering the crux of the meeting so I can get ready. I would really appreciate if you could email me some meeting notes or etc."

Unfortunately, this is what I got and let's call the call receiver X.

X: Hey, aren't you from PM's Department?? Shouldn't you know!?

At this point I was flabbergasted by her tone.

Me: Oh, no I am sorry I am a new officer and I am just asking for some info. That's all.

X: I am also new, go find it yourself! And you better be prepared for this meeting!

Anger surging but I still managed to keep calm.

Me: But I don't think I can find it in such a short time.

X: Listen, it is clearly stated in the letter what the meeting is about. So please go dig up those files and do it yourself!

Me: But.. I don't think I have the time. Anyway if you can't help just say it properly. Don't need to be rude.

X: Whatever.

Click. X hung up.

I was in a state of disbelief. I can't comprehend the fact that a public officer can be this rude to another fellow public officer. Isn't it our duty to always serve your clients and in this case I was the client.

After that unpleasant incident, I brushed it off and went to the meeting nevertheless. And yes, I did make a complete fool of myself when the chairman asked me questions and I could have sworn that X was smirking to herself. Talk about being unprofessional.

By the end of the day, the whole drama completely faded from my memory and I thought it wouldn't recur and was I wrong.

The next day, I went to the office feeling energetic and revitalized. However, those feelings deflated upon summoning by my "Silent-killer" boss. (that is another story) So it turns out, that X had complained about me to my boss. If my boss was a supportive boss I wouldn't have been this affected but she wasn't. She put the entire blame on me without knowing the story. She didn't even give me a fair trial.

Had X not complain to my boss, I wouldn't have succumbed to surfing the Ministry's Official website and leaving and official complaint about X.

Take that X!!

Hence, the phone call above.

Once I came back from my reminiscing, I heard the man asking me to explain to him exactly what happened. So I told him and I did add the fact that this particular person has always been rude to anyone she dealt with. I reassured them that all I wanted was the person be advised to be more polite because anything can happen anytime. What if I was a Director General calling? Might be rare that a Director General calls to ask for meeting info but it could happen. You have to always be polite if you are a government servant. Outside that, it is totally up to you how you want to act or behave.

In the end, I learnt the lesson that this exact thing might happen to me. Someone might call me and inquire something and I in return reply him rudely and he takes the extreme measures of complaining about me to Biro Pengadu Awam (Public Complaints Bureau) . That means 24-hours transfer! So always be cautious of your surrounding and behaviour because you never know what are the repercussions.

How the conversation ended? It turns out the man was a neighbour of mine and he knows my dad very well, it pretty much ended with him asking me to send his salam to my dad. The end.

2011 : Listing Resolutions while Eating Strawberries

2011-01-04T10:54:00.004+08:00

What stands between a good life and a bad one?
Your own attitude perhaps?
The way you look at a glass? Half full? Half empty?
Those glorious days of being a student, my life has been a half-full glass of milk or water or whatever sort of consumable liquid one could imagine.
(I know I am still stuck in my UIA Wonder Years, pathetic you see)
Currently working at Prime Minister's Department as an Administrative and Diplomat Officer, I am really unaware of my life purposes. What am I actually doing? Why am I here? Why am I stuck in such an enviroment that I can't possibly adapt myself into? It boggles the mind.
When I complain to people of my job, they would retort, "Well, you are in the Government, the most relaxed of jobs!" It doesn't get on my nerves but it does make me want to snap, "Government is different now. Public is becoming more conscious of their rights today." But I wonder how can I put it to them without screaming.
So I would just laugh it off.
Let me see what has been my achievements for the past 2010:

1. Was called to the Bar as an Advocate and Solicitor of Malaya.
2. Offered job at AGs Chamber as Deputy Public Prosecutor.
3. Offered job at Malaysian Civil Service as Admin and Diplomat Officer
4. Posted at Prime Minister's Department as Assistant Project Director
5. Parents finally agreed to Azeem

Well the final one, I listed because my stubborness was partially the cause of them agreeing.
Looking at the list, I suppose that 2010 was sort-of alright. So now 2011 has arrived. Next 2012, right now I am wondering if the whole rumours about world ending on 21st December 2012 is true at all? If it is true, I am so getting married by end of this year!
God-forbids, I am a Muslim I shouldn't indulge in this sort of hogwash and on a more serious note, my parents are planning to marrying me off soonest by end of this year.

With the new house at Putrajaya coming up, Amma is busy with the Interior Designers planning our home deco (I wanted a Moroccan themed room) and it is all set to be completed by October 2011. Hence naturally, my parents have set their target on my wedding next. It is No.2 in their priority list now. I can only imagine Azeem's pressure. I don't blame him. But I do pray that he gets it all done and becomes his own man. He deserves it so much.

What do you know, it turns out I have indirectly drawn out my 2011 Resolutions.
Asides from becoming a better person in and out, wholesome lifestyle and all the typical new year resolutions, I need to add in "Get Hitched" to the list now. Dear God, I hope all these resolutions will be achieved!

On that note, HERE'S TO 2011!

Constantly Judged

2010-07-28T12:44:00.004+08:00

Of late, many have been complimenting me on my skin improvement and of course these people they have known me since my adoloscence period.
I used to have really bad skin, all pimply and clogged, I just hated looking at myself at that time.
When I entered my campus life, things were just as bad with my make-up laden face until maybe, my fourth year.
By then, my skin was slowly improving. Less scars, less pimples, somewhat smoother skin and I wore less make up. Somewhat.

Entering working life, being a young adult, my skin is improving at a good pace. More even skintone but occasional zits during my menstruation. It's the hormones I tell ya.
I know some still think this is due to me covering up with make up but let me tell you it's an agreed fact, in order to look good in make up, you need good canvas ie. you need good skin. But then, I have immensely reduced the amount of make up I wear with the exception of kohl, mineral powder, my bronze eyeshadow and of course the intermittent night make up during events.

I don't say I have that glowy Angelina Jolie or Aishwarya Rai's skin but I am nevertheless satisfied with the progress of my skin. I am not promoting any type of skincare here but all I am saying is that , Skin improves as you mature" and I am not blindly stating something to back my post up but these were the words uttered by my dermatologist.

It's just a matter of the mind. Nowadays I am happier and I take pride in how I look. I am fully aware of myself and where I stand. It puzzles me sometimes when girls especially, I don't see guys having this problem, put themselves down. There is always something wrong with themselves, they see flaws. If it is not complaining about being fat, it is about having zits. This is all part of life and it's a normal natural process. If one is not pleased with oneself, do something about it instead of moping around! Those gorgeous Hollywood and Bollywood actresses were not naturally born into this earth looking like that. It takes hard work and discipline. Let's face it, unfortunately, you are judged by the way you look.

"Love thyself"

"Know thyself"

of Kate Spade and Coach

2010-07-25T21:25:00.005+08:00

Recently, I got a designer Kate Spade handphone case for my iPhone and let me tell you my iPhone deserves a designer casing because that Steve Jobs is a genius! It is no wonder that iPhone is undeniably (well okay, arguably) the Messiah of Smartphones. I personally wouldn't give Blackberry or whatever touch-screen rip-offs out there a second glance. Pardon me if I sound a little obnoxious but I am merely stating my stand. I love my 32G iPhone 3GS and I thank my father for that because he was the one who suggested and gifted me with the phone when I was pathetically phone-hopping from one phone to another.

I am really really more than satisfied with my Apple iPhone. I am currently considering of getting a pair of earphones for my iPhone, soon I will. Logitech sounds good, not really a tech-whiz so most probably I've to consult my brothers first.

Being able to afford things and being independent certainly pays off being bossed around (Don't get me wrong, I like the place I work with the exceptions of some annoying factors. I would like to keep this a secret to myself, a girl can't get herself too often into deep s**t because of her blogging interest) Fortunately, the salary I am getting is more than enough and I don't exactly have a family who is depending on me, my father earns quadruple the amount of my salary and I thank Allah for this. At times I wonder what would happen when I am married so my mom had the best response to my qualm, "Well, let your husband worry about that." Good one Ma :)

p/s: It is great to be a girl :P and I know Azeem will take care of me well. Also to those haters, I don't use fake designer stuff, never have and never will. Not even the AAAAAAAA+++ grade whatnots. OK, here's me signing off before I start rambling pointlessly. Good night!

Receiving End

2010-05-17T16:24:00.002+08:00

Lucky me?
Lucky who?
Me? Who? Me?
Yeah sure. I have no intention on starting this entry with a nice intro or the usual entree, so here goes.
Yesterday, the date was 16th May 2010. The day was Sunday and the time was 10-ish in the night.
Tired and rather stuffed, euphoric and very content, I was singing a small tune to myself, praising Allah for the wonderful weekend.
Nothing is perfect, isn't it?
Yes, nothing is.
The sentence which caused the imperfection went like this, "A person like Sofiah can get the offer, don't tell me you, someone far better than her, can't?"
Said loudly. Said amidst many. Said to my agony.
I won't elucidate further on the event.
There are no words to describe my hurt.
But I know, I won't forget the words uttered.
Nothing less, nothing more.
Thank you

Born a Woman

2010-05-14T10:15:00.002+08:00

Suddenly blogging seems to be the zest of my life. It's true, when I get stressed (for no apparent reasons sometimes) I put them out in words.
I can be complacent in person, almost emotionless. But in writing, I can forget what the rest of the world thinks of me and just pour it out. Afterall, a diary, papers or the cyberworld- they can't judge me, can they?
I can't believe how work have caught up with my entire life that I am missing out on the things I used to enjoy doing.
Working out- 90 minutes a day, that was the length of time I spent on the threadmill and carrying weights. Now, zilch!
I could have sworn, yesterday when I looked at myself in the mirror, I am getting jigglier by the moment!
I cooked my own meals, but now it's bloody take-outs, fast food, carbonated sodas, just to name a few. All these calorific food are seriously taking their toll on my body.
I never drank anything but water those days even in fast-food joints but now whatever comes is fine!

I really need to re-think what I am doing to my system. Fast!

A healthy body is a healthy mind?

Shakespeare still Kills me from Beyond the Grave!

2010-05-13T15:09:00.003+08:00

To be or not to be, that is the question...

No! That is not the question! For me especially. I can never give a precise answer. It's always a binary one, like "Maybe", "I think so" and 'Could be".
For once, I want to be clear of what I want and steer the ship of my life smoothly. For once, I want to be the Cap'n. For once, I want to hear myself, very resonantly, say, "Yes!" or "No!"
*Sigh*
I should seriously get a reality check on my life. It's all so muddled. I am just a confused confused girl, I tell ya.
I don't know what is what. Can't decide, indecisive.
But despite all these, I know one thing.
Is that I want you!

End of story.

p/s: I can be bi-polar too, at times.

I see two roads...

2010-03-10T09:42:00.002+08:00

Decisions, decisions! I can't believe I am stuck in this situation. It's downright confusing. What a bloody dilemma.
Remember my previous blog about my PTD interview? Well I passed the final stage, I should be happy shouldn't I?
But NO! I am just thoroughly confused and uncertain!
Mainly because I got a certain offer from AG's Chamber too! What do I choose? Where do I go?
What if I make the wrong choice? It is all killing me!
This is really a delicate matter because I don't want to end up being miserable. This is not pupillage where I can just wait up 9 months and then leave. This is life! The beginning of a lifelong career. Well not lifelong...but I know I am to be there for more than 9 months! That's for sure.
I have been asking different people their opinions. My father, he is coaxing me to take up the AGs offer. His reason: It is more law-related and hence my law knowledge will be honed to "perfection".
My girlfriends, they see me more of a PTD officer. They predict that I am going to be miserable at AGs.
What if I have the makings of a legal officer? *rolls eyes*
See? So many qualms and uncertainties... Haiya! I know I end all my posts with these sentences but only Allah can help me.
I pray that He guides me to the right path and help me in all my future endeavors. Amin

Dreams Do Come True

2010-03-03T11:37:00.002+08:00

Refugees enthrall me. I don't know why precisely but they have this air of mystery and somewhat their struggles entice me. When I say entice I mean, I don't mean it in a psycho way alright? Anyway, I remember the time when I was in IIUM and I got to meet all these people from war torn lands, I had this sudden vision of myself volunteering in UN Human Rights Commission or something similar and doing my part in helping this under-privileged group of human beings. I even went to the extent of wanting to adopt a child from any third world country, preferably African countries ala Angelina Jolie and Madonna. But alas, todate, whatever visioned in my head remains in my head. But I still do have that helping spirit. I do terribly wish to do my part and I know in the process I will be facing plenty of setbacks but that doesn't measure much compared to the knowledge and experience I will gain from it.
Improve yourself before you try to improve others, my mother always tells me. The reason as to why this particular quote came to my head is, just maybe once I am able enough to help myself then I will concentrate on assisting others.
With this final piece of motherly advice, here is me ending this short and brief blogpost credited entirely to my boredom and solitude.

Kajang Silk Highway

2010-02-07T13:48:00.000+08:00

Today, after my grandfather's one year tahlil and a sweltering day at Malacca, I was seated in my mother's Honda massaging my aching head and watching the passing cars whizzing swiftly one after another.
Intermittently I would turn to my parents for a small chat and then return to my stupor.
The azure sky was slowly becoming darker in hue and the sun glowed bright orange. There was nothing going about to suggest dark and horrifying events were about to unfold when suddenly the smooth flow of the traffic reduced.
My father followed suits of the other drivers and crawled telling us that it must be the police doing one of their road blocks.
Lazily I reached for the safety belt and fastened it.
Still trying to snake out of the worsening traffic, I craned my neck trying to catch a glimpse of what was happening.
To my horror, I saw a few pools of blood glistening against the street lights. That made me even more eager to find out what was actually happening.
As my dad neared the group of people, what I saw was truly, what I can as say one of the most traumatizing of accidents I have seen in my entire life.
An already stationary lorry was in the middle of the road and under the lorry was a motorbike lodged with a man who appears to have been run over by the lorry.
People were surrounding him trying to get help and he seems to be lifeless, with his face facing the tar road.
It turns out that he had died almost instantly.
That was all it took for me shed my tears.
I don't know who he was but he must be a son, a father or a husband. He could a be a really loyal friend to many. He could be on his way home to his family who was anxiously waiting for his arrival.
I glanced away from the scene thinking what a way to leave this earth and how fragile a human being life is.
Unfortunately, deep within I know that this little incident will be etched in my memory and God knows when it will fizzle away.

Elusive and Elite

2010-02-04T11:28:00.004+08:00

Plenty has happened since my last post, from passing my second PTD assessment to being harassed by a married (yes MARRIED) man and finally to my interview, the final stage of the elite branch of government service known as Pegawai Tadbir dan Diplomatik or in English, Administrative and Diplomatic Officer. I am not very keen in elucidating about the married man issue since it just irks me completely so, that it shall be a mere fading memory within the pages of my diaries.
Now, let me illuminate more on PTD.
I don't get the whole hype about this certain post but somehow it does entice me in more than one way.
My father, who is quite the experienced man when it comes to civil service applauds it and now it's beguiling me even more.
Odd as it may sound, I was not as enthusiastic as other applicants of this elusive title but now having succeeded two preliminaries of three that cost me nearly half a year, it seems so close yet so far.
Well of course there is the final round of interview which to me is the worst of them all.
I get brain-freeze during these dreaded moments and also to be honest the amount of interviews I have had, you can say, a mere ONCE, excluding the LAP oral evaluation with Madam Nik Haizam and Mr. Baha.
I am acutely aware that there are thousands of other candidates who will be attending this interview but nevertheless it does not hurt to try, does it?

I faced my interviewers yesterday and later I found out that he was once the Malaysian High Commissioner to UK, intimidating much?
Not really.
Turns out he is a jolly-looking guy and extremely good-natured *phew*
The interview, well to be honest, I really can't tell because I have mixed feelings about it. For starters, I did go blank at one point and all that ceaseless stammering!
It was terribly humiliating that it was a surprise at the end of the interview he pointedly said, "Well Sofiah, I am happy with you, with the way you answered and the way you conversed and expressed yourself, shouldn't be much to worry about. And be brave, you're a lawyer. Lawyers are supposed to be eloquent you know?"
I managed a nod, thanked them and exited the room feeling, frankly, uncertain.

Can't really say I was outstanding, but I have done my part. Now all that is left is to pray to Allah and leave everything to him.
If I do pass, all praises be to Him but if I don't...
Life goes on :)
And that's that!

Had I Known How to Save a Life

2009-12-14T09:40:00.002+08:00

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness, And would I have stayed up with you all night, Had I known how to save a life..." -The Fray
This particular song has been playing over and over again in my brain. I am never a fan of this rock genre (I take it judging by their music, they are of that genre?) but I find this song endearing and somewhat close to me...but then don't the rest of them too? *laughs*
Good news brimmed me is telling that, I have succesfully without any permanent damage, managed to go through the two dreaded events I posted in my earlier blog! Woohoo!
I passed my Ethics course (much to my master's delight!) and sailedthe PTD assessment centre rather smoothly. And currently anxiously awaiting for my results. Well, that's goes to the next dreaded list.

2009 is At its final Pages....

2009-12-01T15:51:00.002+08:00

Alright let's make this short and simple.

Things that I am looking forward to coming this festive, holiday-rich month of December:

1. The sets of public holidays falling on Fridays.
2. The commencement of my Legal Aid.
3. Azeem's birthday.

Now, moving on to the much dreaded, I wish I don't have to go through that day, list:

1. My ethics exam results
2. PTD 2nd stage assessment

Well, okay so the good things are more but still! This month is going to be a roller-coaster ride I can't wait to finish.

The tubelight that is Me

2009-11-16T13:37:00.002+08:00

My grandmother is in hospital...it was such a forlorn affair when I saw her lying helplessly on the white-rimmed hospital bed wheezing for air. But mind you, she is much much better now. Alhamdulillah...
well...though I hate to admit it I suppose nature is taking its course, afterall she is already 84. all I can do as a mere human being, a slave to the Almighty is pray for her health.
Despite all these I still managed to instill abit of humour into what might have been a disappointing day. For starters, yesterday was my youngest brother's birthday and me being me;the birthdays- loving, cupcakes- crazy, gifts-generous girl, the day before had to chivvy Azeem to the Curve to get my brother my favourite treats, cupcakes from Cupcake Chic.
Cupcakes-loaded and all set for the journey to Tronoh to visit my brothers at Petronas University I was very very excited indeed!
But alas, the journey never took place due to unavoidable circumstances.
To say that I was disappointed would have been an understatement so I'd rather just shut up.
Later at night, post History Channel's biography on the forever-loved Dr.Mahathir, I was feeling slightly euphoric. My mind went to the untouched assorted cupcakes and I found myself asking my mother, quite innocently, "Ma, since Anwar is not here, can I help myself to the cupcakes?"
She plainly smiled.

these are my confessions

2009-11-13T13:59:00.002+08:00

A few months ago, there was a certain girl, someone who used to be my really good friend, whom I had unwillingly chastised publicly via Facebook (where else). At that time it felt satisfying, like I have gotten my revenge, the very fact thinking that somehow it would have caused her grief.
Strangely now, all that feels hollow and pointless.
I feel almost, well, guilty.
I can't believe how selfish I have been, humiliating her in such a way. Anger, as always, got to the best of me.
Yesterday I was browsing through our previous chat history and that was when I realized how cruel I have been. She has always been a good friend to me. In fact now I wonder what sort of friend I was.
It took me some considerable amount of time to muster up the courage to admit whatever I am feeling now.
The bloody thing has been lingering around, like a tiny speck of dust- it got bigger and bigger and bigger.
Now here I am, trying to tell the whole world-wide-web community how I feel.
I am certainly not expecting anything out of this; not a mended friendship (too late for that) not forgiveness, nothing-zilch. All I aim for is some peace of mind as it has been swirling about like some nasty stuff within me that I just have to spit it out.
I don't intend to ramble much more as I am sure it will be an endless entry about regret and remorse and furthermore a single entry wouldn't suffice
I have not met that friend for a very long time since we graduated but I pray that wherever she is and whatever she is doing, she is living a happy fulfilling life. Amin

Sizes Don't Matter, well Not always, they don't

2009-09-27T22:05:00.005+08:00

The green tea I was sipping is lukewarm now and if there is anything I hate more is a cup of lukewarm green tea...
After days of open houses and food and sweet treats, I am finally now able to rest my stomach. All those rich calorific food was scrumptious but too much of anything is always a big turn-off for me.
I am 50kg now and I am happy with my weight and with my statistics, well of course my abs still need work but I am still human!
I was never fat mind you but I don't know what triggered me to lose weight. It could be I was just frustrated or it could be because I wanted to look better. The latter sounds better doesn't it?
I haven't sat on the stationary bike since Ramadhan and the best part is my weight is still static and it has been even before Ramadhan. I realised that the more I stress about my weight the more strenuous it is for me to lose weight.
So right now from a size 6 I am a size 2, though this may vary and I don't really give a hoot about these numbers.
My mom told me to ease up on my regime and she is right I don't want to end up a Scrawny Sally.
Like it or not, curves are always a yes!

Afraid....

2009-09-18T20:58:00.005+08:00

It has been ages since I have genuinely felt happy. Ever since I graduated my life had taken so many sudden twists and turns that I could barely catch my breath. But of course, there is always that a little dash of pleasant surprises here and there. If it isn't for that, I would be half dead by now.
So much happened that I am almost afraid to go on living, and NO I AM NOT SUICIDAL! I am merely cautious because in my life there would be an event bound to happen to cause me pressure and stress and me being a Virgo, I am a first-class worrier.
Until the problem is solved, I would be talking about it non-stop.
I am really excited to commence my chambering at a new firm, nevertheless, a voice in my head warns me ceaselessly, be careful of the next step, an obstruction of some sort is just waiting to pounce. It could be that I am thinking of the worst-case scenario but do you blame me?
My family and friends are telling me to be happy go lucky and just try to inject some optimism into me.
Well, I suppose I should do just that and keep my fingers crossed.

I Hate You Both

2009-09-16T14:13:00.002+08:00

A new dawn is just around the corner for. Last week Friday was the last day for me to set foot at my former firm. The word ‘former’ explains it all I am sure. Anyway, I ended my pupillage there with a sour note, regrettably and of course with a heated argument. My relationship with my Master was never sweet even since day one. He never really fancied me neither did I. I know I did take things lightly due to the very fact that he was a friend of my father’s but the ways that I took advantage was nonetheless petty like texting my Master informing him I am going to the court, Bar Council or Bar Committee first or having the privilege of asking him the desired amount of allowance. As you can see him being the Master he had all the rights to decline but he never did. As much as any normal human being would think, I assumed he was alright with the whole system.

Little did I know that he was as matter of fact unhappy with it. He could have told me about it but instead he chose to remain silent. He kept it all in his heart and it started to turn into venomous little thoughts. I still remember the times where he would loathingly look at me but I always shrugged it away thinking that it’s merely my feeling nothing more. With this episode I must keep in my mind to always trust my instincts. I used to think that where you do your chambering never really mattered but a meeting with the Chairman of Bar Committee changed my mind. It would be an understatement if I say I was miserable at my old firm because the truth is what I felt is way beyond that. My master wasn’t really the nicest man on earth, he is a pompous, sarcastic old man who is also a know-it-all. The location where my firm is, also another minus point. It is so shoddy and run-down that it was common for me to witness drug-dealings and police raids happening and also as I’ve mentioned earlier the lack of professionalism.

Last Friday was the final countdown, the argument was heated but still civil and the reason that triggered it all? My informing him by text that I was going to drop by Bar Council first before coming to the office. I reached office and I head upstairs to the firm and settle down on my table. Well, of course I had the usual uneasy feeling like I did something wrong even I never did any! That's the feeling I constantly had there, guilt, unhappiness, discontent and also he has some trust issues with me. He never really trusted me to be going elsewhere, because in his mind if I am going on errands it means I am dropping by a mall or something. Anyway here was how the argument went about and I swear there is no fabrication here:

M: Bar Council called you to be there ah?

S: No, I just wanted to go there asap.

M: You know everytime I see your messages I feel haiya....

S: Why didn't you tell me you didn't like it?

M: I don't want to. You should know all this. Anyway next time be in the office! I am your master you should take instructions from me.

S: Oh okay. But I just want to cut short trips and gas money.

M: Yalah, I know la (His fave expression btw) but I don't care.

S: Uncle, you know what? If you don't trust me I don't think I should be here any longer.

M: Nolah, not like that. This is an office you know....

Before he could continue,

S: I am going to change master.

M: Oh, go ahead! I don't mind.

S: Next week I have an interview with Ragunath Kesavan.

M: Looks like we have to put up a notice you're not chambering here anymore.

S: Not you, but ME.

M: Since you have planned all this go on. But what I have to do?

S: All you have to do is sign the Sijil Kerajinan, that is if you can.

M: Rajin? (He smirks) What if I don't want?

S: Then I have to start over, I don't mind.

M: Then by now you should know. You know honestly I am telling you, your allowance, did I tell you I wanted to pay you that much? You yourself asked it and I even called your dad about it and he was telling me, "Yalah Mr. Kuppu, she is like that." and I was imposed to give you. I had no choice!

By now I was already feeling quite angry.

S: All I did was suggest, you had the privilege to say no.

M: But I didn't want la...I couldn't.

S: Then it's not my problem. You're my master you should teach me things but you keep it in your heart expecting me to deduce it?

M: Anyway I am too busy today.

And then the argument ended.

He left to the court without me which is something typical. He doesn't bring me around like other masters do. All I do everyday there is stay at the office typing letters and posting them. Sometimes if I am lucky fax them (yes, I am being sarcastic)

I found out later that the actual amount of allowance he wanted to pay me was RM500.

Last Sunday, my father called him to inquire on what was really going on. My Master blatantly denied the whole conversation and he put the whole blame on me stating that I never had the initiative to ask him where is he going and all. Is he nuts? Why would I do that? If he wants me to come he should ask it himself!

When I left the firm last Friday I thought that would be the end of this depression but I was wrong. Yesterday the event took another unexpected twist when my mother called me asking if I had written any nasty notes about my master and the firm. Then it hit me. Aghast, I recalled I had a notebook in which I wrote all my hatred towards the firm and my master. I was in a state of shock trying to swim through my memory each and every word I wrote. I was having mixed feelings at how stupidly I could've left the diary back at the firm and also pissed at my master's wife for she had pried into my deepest most secret feelings. I have to admit, the words used were rather harsh but it's my diary! My personal property! How dare she open it and read it. The SUPER SLEUTH even went through the trouble of ringing up my dad reading it loud to him. Imagine how my dad would've felt? I truly loathe the couple and the firm now.

Suddenly, despite the fact I passed my government entrance exam and despite the fact I got a new much better firm, it all doesn't matter anymore :'(

Stereotyping- Not Good

2009-09-05T00:08:00.006+08:00

It's hard to believe that 2009 is on the verge of its end. Time doesn't fly anymore. It jets! About ten years ago I was 13. Did I just say TEN? TEN? A decade ago! Oh My God! I am old! No wonder I feel wizened lately. *sighs*

I know I that I love to reminisce but I just can’t help it!

I miss those carefree days.

I still remember clearly the days when I eagerly awaited for my adulthood. Now I just sigh non-stop thinking about my past, missing it.

Human beings can never be contented. The grass is always greener on the other side, they say.

Nevertheless, my childhood wasn’t always sweet and sugary. I did suffer from racial discrimination back then. Yeap you read it right the first time. RACIAL DISCRIMINATION.

Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? It is because I am Indian and I am dark-skinned! Whenever I think about those kids taunting me mercilessly suddenly I don’t miss my childhood anymore. The usual jibes that I got was KELING (a derogatory word to describe Indians, kinda like calling a black NEGRO) and also HITAM (black, hello I am Indian and we’re brown but I guess it doesn’t matter as long as you’re coloured and come to think of it I don’t even care anymore if I am ridiculed of my skin tone because I am proud of it!Black or Brown!) Also, something tells me that I am still being subjected to these jeers behind my back and that, is another issue.

But I showed them all, that it doesn’t matter at all being coloured or originating from different racial background.

Somehow I think different races enrich our culture and we as human being can learn from one another.

My brother once told me that,

“Before we are Indians or Malays or Chinese, we are all human beings”

Coming from an eighteen year old then, it sounded so profound. But nonetheless true.

I don’t know why in Malaysia especially Indians are perceived to be unattractive or ugly. I am aware it is because of colour issues. The moment one mentions, “Oh, she’s Indian or he’s Indian” in their head is formed a figure stereotyped to fit of what the society perceived to be of an Indian. It is like generalizing that all Chinese are without noses and with slanted eyes. I suppose one could never get away from this irritating habit and I have to admit I used to a follower of this stupid idea too.

In each and every races, there are different types of beauty and looks so it’s rather unfair to put them into a box and divide them based on their origins because in the end, BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER. There is no dispute about this. For example, I love Chinese porcelain skin, Malays have a certain classic beauty about them and Africans have such earthy complexion Allah has blessed them with. So it is terribly irksome for people to oversimplify something, especially something as delicate as beauty.

It is going to take a looong time for us Malaysians to change I know but there is no harm in hoping. The good news is I know changes are occuring amidst us bit by bit and that is a wonderful news indeed.

in the end, we all should embrace the distinctiveness of their origins and be proud of who they are. After all Allah has created various races for a special reason.

My Mom Makes the Best Trifle.

2009-09-03T20:37:00.013+08:00

I am stuffed! I had thosai and fish curry with chilli chutney! Ma is the best and for dessert? The most sumptious, most delectable trifle ever!

There is something about comfort food that makes me weak at my knees. I just forget about living HEALTHY! LOL...
I am not saying that eating healthy can be boring and dreary but sometimes I just wanna indulge. I want to have that creamy taste of milk chocolate on my tongue, I want to taste cupcakes iced with vanilla icing and pretty silver balls and Paddington's House of Pancakes fluffy pancakes decked with ice cream and whipped cream- all these are gastronomical adventures that is a must for every living human being.
While surfing the net moments ago, I stumbled upon this new dessert, well to me at least, called Petit Fours.
These are iced mini-cakes, whimsically decorated and so intricate that you will feel bad just to eat them! However, one glance is enough to arouse your appetite. I bet they are just as enjoyable to be eaten as they are to be gazed at. What do you think?
I wonder if they have these here in Malaysia?

What is life without guilty pleasure once in awhile?

Dark Chocolate & Cherry

2009-09-03T10:29:00.008+08:00

I don't know why on earth I entitled this blog as Dark Chocolate & Cherry but basically it's because I have the Palmer's Lip Butter right in front of me and no I am not slathering it on my lips because believe me the smell will drive you crazy and then terbatal puasa kang. LOL! OMG, seriously I am using that LOL term alot. I suppose it means I like to laugh and that I am a happy person generally.

Anyway, the iftar yesterday at Marriot was one of the best I've had so far. The buffet spread is HUGE!
Never have I seen a Ramadhan Buffet with a Mexican corner. The moment I saw the array of sour cream, guacamole, quesidillas and Taco Bar I was in seventh heaven! I am a SUCKER for southwestern cuisine. Unfortunately, I didn't manage to snap any pics but it all boils down to one thing, THE FOOD WAS DELISH.

I hate being under scrutiny. Who doesn't? Chambering in a really small firm I know how it feels like to be under constant scrutiny. To top that, I am the ONLY chambee here and it is my father's friend's firm so I have this burden of being my father's daughter. The friendliness once I felt has somewhat ebbed away and I am not complaining. It is quite tiresome especially when you want to do your own things and you have to rethink the aspect a zillion times! For example, everytime I want to go home, I just want to go home. But here, I have to wait for my Master to start packing only then the rest of the staff and I can get out. Also, I have to tell my Master and his wife that I am leaving. If I don't then there will be this coldness lurking about the office. Can you get the picture? I hope so.

Let this be a lesson to me; never work or be attached in a place where there is no neutrality. That is what I am facing now, lack of professionalism in workplace. It is not only me, there were numerous clerks who quit their job here due to this. I will have to leave the details out as I don't intend to hurt anyone through my blog again. But I know for a fact that he thinks that I came to him for pupil-training because I thought I can get away with most things whereas the truth is the opposite. Due to this there is a trust issue between us. Whenever I go out for chambering duties he would interrogate me with a look of disbelief in his eyes and I would return this with a disdained expression.

My Master's know-it-all attitude is not helping either. It is a hassle just trying to have a discussion with him. Like yesterday for an instant, I left work sharp at 5pm without telling him and I had a good reason for that! He was OUT! So I placed all my completed work on his desk and got a head start early.
The next morning, here was how the conversation went:

Master: So Sofia, yesterday the Form 16N you think it's done ah?
Me: Well, I think so yes.
(Master gives a lopsided smirk he always gives when he thinks he's right)
Master: Come on lah, you didn't do the whole form completely.

It's not the conversation that gets to me but it's that bloody smirk! He has got this triumphant smirk, a pompous smirk when he thinks he's an up above you!
The moment he realises that my face has dropped then he would mellow down. I don't know how to describe this but it's plain annoying!

Well, at least he doesn't call me on weekends and demands me to stay back late. That's one thing I appreciate him for. Anyway, it's unadvisable to do overtimes at this firm, know why? The area is sooo dodgy! When I say dodgy, I mean D-O-D-G-Y! Just a few days ago, a young Indian boy was murdered brutally right in front of the firm...it didn't get much publicity but the Tamil newspapers ran the story. He was found dead with his four fingers severed. Am I going to be in trouble for blogging this? *Worried Look*

Anyway, it is 15 minutes pass 1. Another 3 hours and 45 minutes to go. Is it even right? So bad in maths! :s Not a good thing! Alright Cheerio!

What's For Iftar?

2009-09-02T11:14:00.005+08:00

Actually today I thought of going to UIA for the research my master gave and also have iftar together with my boo :P and some friends since that's the most convenient option for me. However, there has been a slight change of plans due to the my father's friend's invitation for iftar at Marriot Hotel.
Hopefully the food matches the hotel's rep.
ANYWAY, on a much much exasperated note, I don't think I can even go UIA tomorrow...damn la!
I still have not completed my Eid shopping! I have done half but this friggin' thing has been bugging me. I don't mean to put up a materialistic facade here but here is the list of what else i need:

1. Cardigans
2. Bohemian Skirts (Do you know how tedious it is to find a good authentic one?)
3. Bangles and Earrings
4. Scarves

Most probably I am going to do bargain hunting at Masjid Jamek this weekend since that is the place where you can get the best "flowy" Indian skirts and scarves money can buy. Scratch British India! I can't never get over the fact that it's Malaysian! I always thought, judging by its price range and pretentious stores, that it was foreign until Mardhiah doused me with a splash of reality (don't mind the hyperbole because that's what I felt!). I am not saying Malaysian products reek but be reasonable at least with the pricing. Once I saw a nice shirt I thought I can get Azeem, I assumed it must be around RM100++. But the shock I got when I discovered that the price was RM350!

But for the bangles and earrings I have to go to Mid Valley. I am in love with this accessories store called Diva! They have beautiful bangles and accessories but the price maybe a tad pricey but to me they are worth it.

Anyway, that will be all for now. I will let you know about the food at Marriot later on. Wish I had a good camera....so I can post high quality pictures of the food.
Hmm, maybe I should consider an SLR?

Ramadhan- 30 days of Bliss

2009-09-01T14:54:00.001+08:00

It had just stopped raining that day at Putrajaya and I was looking through my bedroom window to a view as pristine as the morning dew on a blade of grass. But then it was nearing sunset and the blue sky was delightfully tinted with crimsons and oranges.
The sidewalks glistened with the raindrops and as the sun shied away allowing the night to reign, streets were beginning to empty. But that did not stop my younger brothers from continuing another game of soccer. They were jostling pass one another trying to lead the ball to the goalposts they have cleverly erected out of sticks.
But just then, my mother’s voice was loud and clear ordering them to hop into the shower before it was Maghrib. They obliged succinctly and bade goodbye to their fellow teammates and walked straight into the house. I glanced quietly at the clock. Fourty-five minutes to Maghrib. My stomach grumbled ceaselessly. It would not have mattered to me or to my mother or to anyone in fact whether it was going to be Maghrib time had it been any other month. But it was not any other month, it was the month.
The month of tranquility and self-perseverance, the month of submission to God and to wrap it all in a nice bundle, the Holy month of Ramadhan. It was that time of year where Muslims all over the world refrain themselves from savoring a single bite of food or a drop of water in the name of God. In Malaysia however, it is also regarded as the month of festivity.
I still remember vividly, my father once said, and he still does, that the atmosphere during Ramadhan is so serene that I would appear as if time has stopped. I, for one thing, adore this month and I would count the days for the arrival of it. Putting aside the serenity, peace, tranquility and submission to God, it would also mean another thing.
FOOD- and abundant of it. There is nothing equally enjoyable as sitting with the whole family feasting on a huge meal for breaking fast as the prayers commence.
There were those times when we were still residing at Batu Caves, Selangor where the Ramadhan and Eid ambiance were another experience by itself, such blissful times are only left in our memories now. I loved to accompany my father to the Ramadhan bazaar even though it meant weaving in and out a congested pathway filled with people buying food. The whole bazaar was a cornucopia of food.
Variety of smells from sweet to savoury wafted about in the air and the sight was gloriously delicious! Rows and rows of ayam percik, sugary local delicacies and woks of stir-fried dishes were awaiting me to buy them. My father would warn me not to be such a glutton but that never really did persuade me because in the end I end up with food capable of feeding ten people. As I recalled that particular day, there were ample leftovers and this had been the situation ever since.
When I was much younger, too young as a matter of fact, I was never a fan of fasting month. This I have to admit unabashedly. I would constantly skip the fasting and sneak in a candy bar or two into my bedroom as faraway as possible from my prying brothers and cousins. The outcome of being caught red-handed eating would cost me a seat at the breakfast table. Nevertheless, I could not care less as I would still join the rest and partially ignoring my brothers’ teasing.
Ramadhan nights- another moment unforgettable; as the oil lamps, fairy-lights dazzled the dark nights, with men and women strolling to the mosque for tarawih prayers. My brothers and I usually plan to go to the mosque every night but being too engrossed in the oil-lamps and fireworks (yes, I know it’s illegal), my father would be leaving alone sans us. There were times when my brothers and I would conjure up a campfire using an old clay pot and some dried leaves. Once in awhile, having spotted the campfire, neighbouring kids would join us and we would chit chat the night away watching the starry night.
At the age of ten, I was quite zealous when it came to baking Eid goodies. It was a pleasure for me in experimenting with recipes although these attempts rarely turned out to be edible at all. Once, with the intention of baking double chocolate chip cookies, I carelessly mixed a tad too much of water and had poured a whole bottle of green colouring into the batter resulting in a nasty-looking greenish concoction. It was in the drain the next minute.
In addition to that, the house will always be refurbished and my mother would be the one wandering around the house carefully redecorating the interiors. By the completion of the month, the house would have a fresh change of curtains, new cushion covers, plus all of us would proudly hang about the house Eid greeting cards that we have gotten that year.
In the most clichéd of terms, those were the good old days.
Twelve years have gone by stealthily and many changes have taken its course. I have completed my law degree and both my brothers are now enrolled in Petronas Technology University.
Since I have only graduated recently, this is my first Ramadhan after five years where again I am spending it with my family whereas my brother in their campus with occasional visits during weekends. Those previously home-made goodies were consequently replaced by purchased ones and a trip together to the bazaar with my father is now scarce.
Despite the fact that there will be no more oil-lamps or campfire or sneaky candy-nibbling, these memories are still etched in my mind, ever-bright and forever glowing. It mattered not if the environment we lived now is unlike Selayang, Ramadhan is still the joyous month we have grown to love.
I came out of my reverie when I heard Munawar crying my name aloud telling me to come down as it was already Maghrib. I hurriedly rushed downstairs. The Adhan was audible and my family had begun piling food onto their plates. While I did the same, a sudden thought popped in my head. In a few years to come, when all of us will be leaving and starting our own families, I could not help but wonder, how is it going to be then?
Very much the same? I hope.

Get On With Your Lives Please

2009-07-21T12:02:00.003+08:00

Remember my previous blog I aptly entitled as “First Attempt a Nightmare”? Now let me add to that, that it is indeed still an ongoing nightmare. I seriously don’t get it. Do they not have a proper life to go on with and the boy does he not have a job of some sort to tend to? My previous blog was very diplomatic but this entry is not going to be because I have had enough of this people but of course I will try my level best to be as I don’t want these people to come barging into my house with a printed copy of my blog claiming that I soiled their son’s name calling him a pombula poriki (Cheap Guy in Tamil).
It all began last Saturday when my mother rang me up from a Tahlil they were attending asking me whether I have published something on the Net about my aunt and the guy. I wondered for a fraction of a second and this memoir came into my mind. I answered yes but I did tell her that the blog had nothing personal about the family and that it was merely me expressing my feelings. I even let her read my blog and she agreed with me with of course the exception of me telling that I was in a relationship because as I mentioned before she did not approve of it.
Regardless of that, she remarked after reading the blog again that whatever the family is accusing me of did not tally with what I have written. So I asked, ‘What did they say Ma?” My mother replied that they have claimed that I called their son a cheap guy and I had written scandalous statements about him. I felt tremendously angered by the accusations and so I asked her, “Ma, I didn’t write such things and this blog is just a way for me to express my feelings. Why are they still keeping track of my life when I have completely written them off?” I added, “Did we make it a big deal when the boy texted me degrading my morals by saying that I had many affairs and the fact he had cheaply bellowed at me, “Don’t try me again unless you wanna go for a ride!”?” My mom looked at me thoughtfully and replied, “No, we didn’t ma.”
Apparently their relatives from overseas stumbled upon my blog and had mailed the contents to the family but I have not the slightest idea as to how they could just fabricate that I have blogged in such a derogatory manner when in truth I have not. All this made me truly annoyed and I thought to myself what this family’s problem was really and what was their hidden agenda? To me, once my family have said no, that’s the end of it. I don’t know why they went the extra length of finding my blog and reading it and then printing it and now finding faults with my family, I mean what’s the point?
Recently I discovered that the fellow has been telling his mom that I went looking for him at his hotel 2 to 3 times just to meet him and that it was I who constantly texted and called him and due to that he got tired of me that he began to silent his mobile. I felt like laughing on one hand due to the fact that it was hilarious how egoistic can a guy get just to cover up rejection. On the other hand, the feeling of being a victim of slander and deceit just engulfed me.
Right now the family wants to settle this issue about the blog and they know that I have made my blog private but, “It doesn’t matter because we have printed a copy! AHA!”
So my mom told, “Well alright, bring the copy and we will compare. Though I have no idea why they are still bothering. It’s over and done with. We have conveyed our disapproval to them and I have no idea why they are still harassing us.” If they are thinking that they want to pinpoint anything they can get just to fight and argue with us I wonder if they actually have anything better to do. Really and I mean no malice here, please move on with your life. Don’t try to be all macho and turn the table towards us because it is you who are embarrassing yourselves. My family had high regards about all of you so please don’t ruin it. Act appropriately. And just stop the harassment and find another girl to pick on. To put it bluntly, don’t be a sore loser. What I write in my blog is purely my privilege and it has nothing to do with any of you. I am not saying that I am completely innocent and I am perfect but I never interfered in any one of your lives once this matter was over and once the fellow knew I will never say yes to him. To put it in his own words, " You ni I tau, even if dah kenal for another year you akan cakap better that we get to know each other more." I can spill alot more here but I don't want to go to that level because to me those are spoken in confidence and the fact that the fellow is formulating tales just to cover up his ego is way beyond me. Funny in a pathetic way sorry to say.
So please get on with your life and make others’ life an ease instead of disturbing those who have an actual problem and issues to settle. This is nothing. Please put that into your mind. Don’t be dishonest and don’t create stories about me just to heal your own wounds. Don’t go around saying that it was I who went behind you when in fact I have all the proof that it was you who did and it was you who did all the calling and texting and when in fact it was I who silenced my phone ignoring you. Even you got pissed at me because I took such a long time to reply you. Think about it- you got irritated because I was aloof and because I didn’t really reciprocate you. But despite that I was nice to you because I thought that there was no harm in being friendly but I guess I should learn how to choose people next time. You may retort saying that the last phase of our acquaintance that I rang you up and texted you but refresh your memory- was there any chasing after you that went on? I was only sympathizing you that's all because to me at that time we were already some sort of friends, so I felt bad for you. Now I agree with the rest that once it's confirmed nothing's going to happen I should've been neutral and not pity you. Look what my actions had got me into now. Oh well...
Everyone has their own problems so I advice everybody to get on with their lives and try to solve those bigger issues and not come prying into other people’s. Now that’s just plain rude and to top that you’re uninvited into my business. Let me finish this by telling you that, I am not a bad girl and I know you all are not bad people but I don’t know why you’re stooping this low. Moreover, we are all Muslims. We are commanded by Almighty to be nice to each other. Sura 49:29 - "Mohammed is the messenger of Allah [So says guess who?]. And those with him are ruthless against the unbelievers but merciful among themselves."
The latter part of the Sura states that we as Muslims are suppose to be merciful i.e good amongst us. That is the best way to live to be quite frank, rather than creating problems and finding faults. Honestly, my blog is only words of emotions and feelings bottled up within me. In fact, nothing in my blog was unpleasant or harsh when it’s actually the opposite. If you read it again, I have praised the family and the boy and the main object of the blog was my dislike of the boy to be my life partner. Not in any part of the blog that I see anything that’s worthy of them to actually print it and fight with my parents. I just don’t get it. My parents didn’t blow the rude SMS he sent me out of proportion when in reality that SMS was way more serious compared to my writing. That’s all but if that had hurt anyone’s ego, I am terribly sorry. All that I am asking is TO leave me and my family alone. We have said no and now it doesn’t matter whatever I publish because you have nothing to do with me and there is such thing as freedom of speech. Whatever talked and discussed between us let it be between us. But be sincere, you knew from the beginning that I had no interest in you so don’t go around telling people the other way round. It seems rather childish if you ask me. Best now is to just let this go and move on with your lives. I see no point in all of you blowing your trumpets trying to make it a big issue. It's all time-wasting. I have so many dreams and ambitions to fulfill so I don’t intend to let this sort of petty thing to obstruct my way. May Allah bless us all. Amin.

Cuss Word of the Day: Cipet!

2009-07-17T14:25:00.000+08:00

Each and every file in a legal firm is like a story by itself. There can be the lackluster ones and there can be the gotta-finish-studying fascinating ones. However, regardless of what type of story each file holds one single point has to be kept in mind persistently, that behind these files and cases are real people with real problems and also numerous characters which boggle the mind.
Last week Tuesday seemed to be just like any other Tuesdays, dull and dreary and I was seated at my desk feeling light-headed from inhaling the sickly sweet smell of the incense sticks my Master’s wife would light religiously every morning for the morning prayers (Note: They are Hindu devotees) in the Pooja Room (Prayers Room) and unfortunately my room was right next to the room.
Having no more the willpower to withstand the fragrance I walked out of my room and headed outside, excusing myself, falsely telling my Master’s wife that I left my handphone in my car. I desperately needed the fresh air. Still groggy, I ambled downstairs to the parking lot trying to avoid the dogs. The area my law firm is situated is pretty dodgy and bursting with stray dogs and most of them are infested with what I think is some sort of skin disease. Leprosy, I think. Good God!
I rushed to my car and turned on the engine. As the coolness from the air-conditioner bathed my face, I started to feel better. That’s when I saw the lady. A Chinese of race with sleeveless orange shirt and three-quarter khakis she took the stairs to my firm with a frown on her face. I wondered who she was. I got down the car and pursued after her and as I was climbing upstairs, she was storming down, unmistakably grumbling and cursing in Cantonese or perhaps Mandarin. But I am certain that it was Cantonese because it sounded, as Russell Peters puts it, flamboyant.
When I entered the firm, I realized that there were others there too, a young Chinese man and woman. Both of them including my Master’s wife looked extremely tensed. I hastily went to my room assuming that it must be some legal matter and it’s better that I don’t nose around. Moments later, my Master’s wife came into my room and told me to come outside and keep her company. I noticed that she was perspiring profusely but I dare not ask her what happened. In the firm’s waiting room I saw the same Chinese lady in the orange shirt yelling and cursing the young man and woman. Some of the words are well-known curse words amongst Malaysian- I shouldn’t mention it coz I don’t want my blog to be flagged!
The lady was flailing her arms about obviously enraged with those young people. At first I assumed that they were a couple but later I found out that they are the children of the Chinese lady. My Master’s wife instructed me to stand next to her and all she uttered to me was, “Get the money from her, RM3751.00”. So I stood there quite faraway from her as she furiously rummaged through her bag. Honestly she looked like she could take on anyone right now. Right then she did something which I thought I would never experience my entire life.
Turning to me with a thick stack of hundred ringgit notes, red-faced, she screamed, “Eh Cipet! Kamu tau ah apa itu cipet? Ini ah Cipet!!!”, and she slapped her private area indicating that’s what she meant. I stared at her my eyes bulging out and feeling victimized. I took a step forward and retorted, “What the hell you just called me lady? Jaga mulut kamu okay! And cakap elok-elok sikit, ini law firm bukan pasar!”
My face was hot and I was hyper-ventilating. She was taken aback, I bet she didn’t think that I would throw such a fit. Her children were eyeing me and the son when my eyes fell upon him, mouthed an apology. My Master’s wife told me to calm down and take the money. I obediently took the money, not missing the chance to glare at her. She appeared to have mellowed a little but I still had the desire to give her a tight slap.
After that episode, she left telling her kids that they are not to return to the kampung anymore. Later that evening my Master’s wife filled me in with the whole story, in which she was a widow of a man who died of car accident and she had come to my Master with intention of getting compensation. To cut a long story short, victoriously my Master managed to get the family compensation and the first amount of RM18,000.00 had arrived in the form of a cheque to the firm. Unable to contact the mother, my Master has called the son to collect the cheque and he did- hence all hell broke lose. Even the kids informed my Master that their mother’s elevator doesn’t go all the way up top, to put it bluntly and she is having hard time trusting anybody including the children.
I left the firm that day feeling strangely thrilled because finally I have a story to share with my family and friends as opposed to the normal, lifeless days of chambering. Hopefully I can be a good narrator :D

First Attempt a Nightmare

2009-07-12T23:25:00.000+08:00

After days and days of coaxing, I finally agreed to meet the guy my aunt had in her mind. According to my mom he is working in some hotel and he is a good-looking guy with pleasant mannerisms (god...why do every mom who describe the man they want their daughter to be introduced to sound the same?).
All I had in mind that very Sunday was meet the guy, talk a few words and end it. On that fateful Sunday, the guy came with his family.
I was pacing upstairs restlessly awaiting for the moment when my mother would come up and invite me downstairs to meet the Mapillai (bridegroom- yuck! Coz he is not even one yet) and his family. After 45 nerve-wrecking minutes, finally it was my aunt who came and she checked if I was wearing any jewelry. Well, all I had on was a diamond-studded gold earstuds, I didn’t wanna appear too eager. Neither did my parents; moments earlier when I was contemplating on what to don they told me be casual. So there I was in my denim skirt and black cardigan complete with sky-blue pashmina. My aunt discreetly whispered to me, “There, that is the Mapillai”. I felt noxious when she said that. Mappilai??? Hello, can’t anyone here notice that I am being coerced here? Nevertheless, I timidly gave him a look from the corner of my eyes. The family seemed nice and he appeared to be rather decent with bubbly features. Note: I don't like bubbly-features. For me I prefer a guy with defined features.It is more masculine if you ask me. I was told to be seated with the women so I did.
Once again, when I took my place, one of the elderly women there told the guy to look at the Ponnu (bride). By that time, I really wanted to barf. Dear God, these people are unbelievable. I knew that the dude was trying to get a good look of me. Damn you, I thought in my heart .
If that wasn’t torturous enough, then came the stupid tradition of allowing the Mapillai and Ponnu to have a heart to heart talk alone or I would prefer saying, the ice-breaking session. The women surrounding me told the dude to come and take a seat opposite he and he did- right next to me! I mean, not that close la… From the conversation, I found out that his name is Haszry and he’s working as some sort of manager at Sunway Resort and blah…blah…blah…and oh yeah he’s 27. I wondered if the guy got the idea that I didn’t like him and I am in fact in love with another guy? I guess he didn’t coz the last remark he gave was, “Wow, I had no idea I can converse with you this long,” and then a smile. I blew it! In my mind, I was acting aloof and distant, how blur can men be? Seriously!
They came around 4pm and it was 6pm when they left. My aunt asked me, “So, how? You like the boy?” I simply shrugged hoping she would try to decipher it as, “NO!”
It was right after this that when my family started praising the boy and the family- about how good-looking he is and how humble, how well-mannered, how wonderful he is I brought to my senses that a problem is brewing slowly. The altercations began and I embarked in a journey of self-pity and disappointment. None in my family understood what I went through so I turned to the next bunch of people who I knew would- my friends. I was grateful when they did and their words of consolation brought me up again. They told me not to worry much but keep on fighting for your happiness and pray because in the end it He who decides. It’s one of those old Malay quotes- Jodoh di tangan Tuhan, which I absolutely agree with and shall adhere to. Haszry? Little did my parents knew that in time to come, that he is going to reveal his true colours and this shall be blogged in my next entry. Till then, toodles!

Disclaimer: Let it be known that I would never call arranged marriage a stupid tradition had it not be that I am in a relationship

A Friendship Gone To Waste?

2009-07-12T18:32:00.000+08:00

I met her five years ago.Sitting right next to me in her blue and silver baju kurung looking rather demure, so I thought she did.
The first word that came out my mouth was a typical greeting that anyone would say to begin a conversation, "Hi."
Hence that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship....NOT.
Throughout our campus life we have been close-knit friends always seen together but little did I know that the ending of this so-called friendship would just be a sad fallout where neither of us could explain to each other the cause of it.
It seems to me that she could not be bothered at all. For all she cares it's her feelings that has been hurt.
I know that she knows of this fact that she has never been a good friend, the relationship that we had was nothing of a give and take.It was more of a taking and less of a giving.
To put it bluntly, I gave and she took.
Whenever we had an argument or misunderstanding it was always I who did the consoling or apologizing. Never had she taken the initiative to make me feel that I am also part of the friendship.
But that didn't stop me from being a good friend to her.
I am not saying that I am perfect and I am the best friend anyone could have. All I am saying is that I never felt the same level of friendship I offered her.
It was tad frustrating.
I kept all the emotions bottled up when recently I found out that the rest of my girlfriends felt the same way.
Thus the hidden anger and dissatisfaction began to show.
I stopped caring.
In fact I deleted her and blocked her from my Facebook, Yahoo! Messenger and Windows Live Messenger. Heck, I deleted and blocked her out of my life.
It hurts me the most that after whatever we went through and shared, she had never bothered to ask me what is wrong. All she cares about is herself.
To this day I wonder if she is really happy with her life?
Recently, well not that recently, she texted me that she had broken up with her boyfriend. I called her and consoled her.
That was the last time I heard of her.
So far, till today, all I know is that Aufa Radzi has ceased to exist in my life.
Am I really sad? I don't think so as she is not worthy of my sadness or tears.
No matter what happens life has to go on.

What is LIVING?

2009-04-30T15:36:00.000+08:00

the raucous and angry rock and roll music pounded her eyedrums.she clasped her ears....trying to shun the so called music. what had gotten into people nowadays?this is what they call music? she looked out from her mahalat room windows. people say when you look out from the windows of your room,you can see life,of all that makes it worthwhile. but she did not see any. nothing came across her eyes that indicated whats the worth of living. she does not read newspapers or does she acknowledges the recent happenings around her.but she had heard stories.terrible ones,the one which makes her even think sometimes, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WORLD? worse,WHAT HAPPENED TO GOD?however,why should she even care about events occuring around her when her life does not flow the way she wants it? maybe it all a conspiracy against her....every morning she wakes up,she had always felt a feeling of impending doom.she prays and sometimes to the extent she cries out her prayers, and unfortunately,still no answers to her prayers.

she backed away from the dust crusted windows and laid on the cold marble floor watching the ceiling fan spining and spinning and spinning and spinning.............until she felt extremely groggy and light-headed.

And then she woke up.

where was she?azure sky surrounded her, the sun radiating warmth and light enveloping her with a strange feeling...what is it?it seemed familiar....once,it must have been a part of her,or even it must have been in her.wherever her eyes went different hues met them.violets,roses,daffodils,lilies,name it,all the brightest of blooms....WHERE COULD SHE BE?it all seemed so dreamy.she sprawled herself against the soft green grass.she shut her eyes trying to envisage what could this place offer her more after this?would it be the place where she is meant to be?place devoid of evil,sadness,anger,resentment,hipocrisy.

something tickled her feet, she shook her feet with irritation.just leave me alone,you dreaded bugs!a few seconds later, again, she felt something tugging her toes. she bulged open her eyes and sat straight up. she rubbed her eyes vigorously. something or someone was crouching in front of her,staring vividly. the sunshine was blinding her eyes.she shaded her eyes with her palms. she looked at the thing which was bothering her just now.

it was a tiny child, with startling amber eyes .she was a pretty little thing yet the blood stained bandage which wrapped her head obscured her beauty.she was smiling anxiously as if seeing someone new after a long period of time.she looked at the Little Girl and the first thing that came out of her mouth was,"what's your name?" the Little Girl smiled again this time showing her neat rows of teeth.strange girl,she thought.once more she asked,"what's your name?" she noticed that the Little Girl was twirling with her fingers and seemed bashful to reply her.she sighed getting bored.finally,"Rukhsar..."piped a voice.she realized that her voice was sweet as she looked.the Little Girl held out her hands.she took it."nice to meet you,"she said grinning..

"what are you doing in this place,Rukhsar?"but this time,Rukhsar did not take even a minute to answer.her eyes twinkling,she said,"it is my home now."Rukhsar sniffed a flourescent flower which she had no idea what the name was.Rukhsar motioned her to smell the flower."its alright,i dont like flowers."Rukhsar was taken aback by her reply. "Why not you like flowers?Flowers are good..."she held her thumbs up.She could just smirk."well,maybe next time."Rukhsar shrugged and threw herself on the ground.Rukhsar gestured her to take a seat next to her.Reluctantly,she did.strange as it may seem,but she had begun to like this little girl.

"What happened to you,Rukhsar?"she asked while watching the Little Girl play with a blade of grass."You asking about my head,yes?"she asked cheerfully.how could she still be....HAPPY?the wound looked painful.she nodded."you see,one day i was sleeping in my home.and then,i heard loud noises,nearly deaf they made me.and then,something hit my house.BOOM!"she spread her arms showing how her house shattered.she was still listening."and then...?"Rukhsar continued,"that thing which hit my house,hit me too.i cant even run eventhough it was hot.very hot!i shouted for my mother,but no one came.it was painful but...then it went away,the pain.and here i am...still waiting."she shrunked sadly."for what,Rukhsar?"

"a better world,when it happens"she watched a ladybug land on the blade of grass. A few minutes later,they were walking towards the scarlet and pink sunset.it was quiet until Rukhsar broke the silence."You do not be unhappy anymore,a better world will happen.why do you want to be sad when they are others who suffer worse?"she managed to look at Rukhsar,the Little Girl who was always happy and feeling lucky no matter what happened.she had no idea where she was,why she was there.but one thing she knew,she was in a dream filled with reality.this Little Girl had shown her what living is all about.what is life if there aren't any troubles and problems?everything happens for a purpose.we,as human beings must explore deeper to discover it.

they were still walking towards the sunset,when she felt as she she was being tugged into a swirl of colours and.........

she opened her eyes.the ceiling fan was still spinning and her room was deserted.she got up towards the windows and again tried looking at the view.it looked different now.almost....magnificent.it was almost dark...the streetlights shone and she could see cars whizzing on the road.remind her again,what is life all about?living it to the fullest..

"you can’t stop problems,but you can solve it" imam ghazali

May 7th 1991

2009-04-30T15:19:00.000+08:00

The year was 1991 and I was a little brat of the age five. I had nothing much to ponder about at that time except regarding what is going to happen to Optimus in Transformers and what candy am I going to get when my father returns home from work. Life was easy then. And how do I miss it. My family had moved from Batu Caves to Sungai Buloh a year ago to accompany my grandmother who was living alone since my grandfather’s demise. It was a much more spacious house compared to my old house and that meant more mischief and blissful times for my brothers and me. Accompanied by my cousin, we would usually climb up the roof or bet each other on who can slide down the spiral staircase the swiftest. Most of the time it would be my very athletic brother who would win the challenge. Now, Sungai Buloh may not be a place frequently mentioned by people living outside of the respective town, for Malaysians tend to bypass this austere land, which is fiercely independent and, home to the disastrous Bright Sparkles Fireworks Factory Explosion and it is still etched firmly in my memory. Since then, for a few months or more, this shy town became ubiquitous in the mouth of all Malaysians. The day was Tuesday, the date, 7th May 1991. Me myself and my two brothers and cousin as my faithful sidekicks were roaming around the house looking for a spot to play pretend, unaware that just at the end of the very street we resided, was the then little-known Bright Sparkles factory. Finally having found an empty room, perfect for the game, my three-year old brother, Munawar place my six-month old brother, Anwar onto a bed whilst my cousin locked the room door to ensure privacy. It seemed to be just another bright sunny day, but for some reasons we preferred indoor. As far as we can perceive, the others in the household must have been pretty immersed in their own chores as the house was bizarrely silent that day, and our parents out working. The three of us began dividing the characters we were to be, excluding Anwar whom we decided to cast as my baby since he fit the bill so well. I was a woman with a baby whom her handbag has been stolen by a conniving thief, my brother was the said thief whereas my cousin, Nazry was the dedicated police officer I complained the incident to. Just as Nazry was about to capture my brother and claim his rightful title as the hero, the house and the ground we were standing on gave an almighty lurch. All of us were careened on top of one another and the bed my baby brother who was snoozing peacefully shifted so suddenly that he woke up startled and began crying. Nazry rushed to the door and checked the hallway.Thinking that that was the end of it, we continued our roles. However, our thoughts were proven wrong when the ground gave another violent tremor. Panicking, my cousin grabbed Anwar and rushed to the door pursued by the rest of us. “The Japanese are back!” Those were the words that the maid was yelling as she ran out of the house. And I wondered what she meant by that, because I had no idea what are these thing she called Japanese, until I realized that all my aunts and uncles inclusive of my grandmother were standing outside looking up at the sky; at the billowing black smoke that seemed to be emitting from the end of the street. Dust and dirt were polluting the air and settling on our bodies, houses and anything that wasn’t within the protection of a roof. My cousin shaded Anwar’s face from the pollutants as we watched police and rescue vehicles whiz towards the disaster site. We were ordered to leave the place for a day or more till the whole situation cleared. Later in the safety of a relative’s home quite faraway from the occurrence, one of my many cousins returned home from work mentioning that one of her closest friends had died in the accident. I remember that I bawled my eyes out the whole day until I saw my dear parents all anxious to see us. Purportedly, this calamity caused 22 deaths and 103 injuries. Years have gone by but the disturbing story of this incident still lingers around Sungai Buloh in the form of ghost stories of the dead factory workers courtesy of the locals there. Although I was not actively a part in this dreadful calamity, it is obviously a memorable episode that shall remain inside of me within years to come.

For 40 days I Shall Await

2008-11-24T15:00:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is the day my parents leave for their Hajj and i pray from the bottom of my heart that they have a safe and a wondrous Hajj trip altogether.
The odd thing is, they are to leave tomorrow night but here I am already missing them as I am all alone at my home, typing away my thoughts into this entry.
My heart is gushing with mixed emotions.
On one hand I am sincerely thrilled that my parents are finally having their dreams of performing the fifth requirement come true.
Sadly, on the other hand, a selfish little voice is saying, "Why do they have to go now? They still have plenty of time for that. They don't even have grandkids yet!"

~sigh~ I know. My logic sucks big time.
Yesterday night, my mother called me to her room. In my thoughts were most probably she needs help with packing and was I wrong.
As my dad was resting comfortably on the couch reading the papers, my mother came and hugged me and she started saying stuff like, "I don't know if I have been a good mother, but I try. If i have hurt you in any ways, please accept my apologies..."
I literally shut my ears, covered my face and said, "Please Ma, I don't wanna listen to this," and i just walked away with tears trickling down my face.

I hate crying!
I want to be positive. Why does is have to be a forlorn affair? I should be glad and proud that my parents are going away for a wonderful thing. And mark my words, I shall pray each and everyday that this Hajj will be a journey of self-discovery and also towards better changes for the future.

Love you loads Ma and Tha